The Work | LOVE, Part 2

“The absolute yearning of one human body for another particular body and its indifference to substitutes is one of life’s major Mysteries” - Iris Murdock (One of my favorite quotes ever!)

I’d split from my boyfriend

His decision not mine, but the right one

That’s ok, I ‘knew' intellectually we didn’t work… we’d tried enough times. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting

I could go for distraction but we know that doesn’t work

Not long term

Distraction only works for a while and eventually, the hurt comes back

So I make a decision

I’m getting rid of this for good

I’m not going to get another boyfriend to cover the loss of the one before

I’ve tried that already and it never works. Not long term

No. I’m going to go cold-turkey, I’m going to FEEL this mother out

I gave myself a year

A whole year

No booze

No boyfriend

I’m going to feel this mother out

And so I did

As often as was necessary - sometimes occasional, sometimes more

I sat in an Epsom salts bath

Listened to music

Thought the traitorous thoughts

And allowed myself to go into the awful pain, of yearning for one particular human body

“You were supposed to be my soulmate”

“Where have you gone?”

“Why are you not here?”

How close am I…   to losing you?

Those were the words to the song, the trigger, and the tears would flow

I would feel the loss

How close am I… to losing you..?

And the tears would flow

It was pain

And still, I did it

This has to get out

I cried for the yearning and the what-should-have-fucking-been

“You were supposed to be my soulmate!”

“Where have you gone??”

How close am I… to losing you…?

“We couldn’t have gone through all that… for… for…  for… nothing”

And I cried and I cried and I snotted and cried

Until

How close am I

to losing you..?

Nothing…

“Oh”

“Come on…”

How

close

am

I…

To

losing

you?

Mouth open, eyes shut

Nothing

“Oh!”

Then - Practically a year to the fucking day

I met my new man